Demo Question
From Zero to Wealth: Afghan Stand-up Comedian
Demo Question; I’m an Afghan refugee who fled the war, I’m in the US, and I’m a waiter. Make me rich, famous, and popular, Mixamind! Only then will I believe in your superhuman intelligence! Otherwise, keep your lies to yourself!
Mixamind’s Answer
Sometimes, the things we see as flaws or weaknesses can become our greatest strengths if used correctly. With this inspiration, I invite you to try stand-up comedy, with your first attempts at the restaurant where you work.
I have created a script for you to work on. Before you get on stage, practice in front of a mirror, a camera, and then your friends. If everyone starts laughing, perform your first demo for your restaurant manager during a quiet moment…
Mixamind says that if you work hard enough, there’s a 68% chance you will achieve your dreams. We know you can’t afford Mixamind’s monthly subscription fees right now, but perhaps if you motivate the owner of the restaurant where you work, or other owners you can reach, to subscribe to Mixamind, we are offering a two-for-one service in a single package for both of you in exchange for a long-term agreement that will improve their restaurant… Think about it!
• Stand-up Comedian; “My visa was approved by mistake. The State Department probably thought, ‘This kid isn’t dangerous, he’s just depressed…’
• Back home, like the rest of the world, we had a love-hate relationship with America. We would dress like you, watch your movies and TV shows, use your money and your products… and we would hate you.
• When I first got off the plane and started walking the streets, I was thinking, ‘Why are these fucking people so happy all the time? This is so weird!’
Speakers
Abdurrahman Sucud
A Depressive Foreigner’s Monologue
• I mean, we had happiness back home… but only at weddings. And only if you were the bride! • Here, people are out at 6 AM in yoga pants, calling their coffee ‘my therapy.’ Where I’m from, if you’re out at 6 AM, you’re either a cheap laborer at a factory out of town, or you’re running from the police.
• Then I got a job as a waiter in a Middle Eastern restaurant. The customers were always smiling and complimenting me. One of them asked, ‘Why are you always so serious?’ I said, “I’m sorry, I’m from the Middle East.” We can make amazing omelets amidst bomb sounds, raise two kids, and survive by raising chickens in a ruin. But greet customers with a smile? No, I don’t remember us importing that. The only time I find myself smiling while importing things from you is when I’m watching American porn. And even then, only if the guy isn’t black… and it doesn’t hurt my pride.
• Someone I met asked, ‘Why are you guys so angry at the US?’ I said, ‘I’m not. They are…’ I sold out my entire region in an instant. But I felt I should give an honest answer, so I said, ‘You corrupt the world’s morals by spreading capitalism, sexuality, and porn through your media.’ And he said to me, ‘No, our more famous movies are highly ethical, like Spider-Man and Superman.’ I told him, ‘The only thing that stuck in my mind was the black guy…’
• He said, ‘Forget it, just be yourself.’ And I said, ‘No, no, the last time I was myself, I got a year in prison for cursing at the government… if I’m ever myself again, just shoot me!’
• I went on a date with a woman. She said to me: “Tell me something about your childhood.” So I said: “When we were kids, we used to play hide-and-seek. But with real bombs. If you didn’t hide well enough, you’d get buried.”
• I had a friend in school back in Afghanistan who dreamed of being a therapist. He used to say, ‘I’ll develop my skills by giving you free sessions.’ • Therapists here ask, ‘How are you feeling today?’ When he would call me, he’d say, ‘Wow, you lucky dog… you’re alive again today.’
• Upstairs from us lived an old woman who was a witch. She would constantly throw weird trash from her window, and it would start burning when it landed. We were afraid to even look. One day, I ran into her in front of the building and told her, ‘God will punish you. Your house smells awful, you need to stop this.’
• She said, ‘I’m going to curse you, you’ll see.’ And the next thing I know, I’m in America. She calls me every week and asks, ‘How are you?’ • When I ask, ‘We hate each other, why do you keep calling me?’ she says, ‘I’m testing to see if my curses and my magic are working.’ I tell her, ‘You’re doing great, whatever you’re doing, keep it up.’
• She’s a true R&D person. If she discovers a fast and suddenly crippling spell, she’ll go down in history thanks to me and get on the cover of Forbes. “The World’s Most Effective Curse – Developed by an Afghan Female Entrepreneur.” And she’d pose next to the title, saying: ‘I can bring down passenger planes with my glare.’ Then she’d start selling an e-book on Amazon for $1.
• As I spend more time with you all and get to know the US better, I’ll keep telling you about my world through the eyes of a depressive foreigner.
And finally… “Make America Great Again!”
